I've never been one who embraces change easily. Call me a control freak. Call me a creature of habit. Both statements have truth in them. Alison and I used to semi-joke about whichever one of us took the biggest risk could wear the Risk Takers Crown (similar to a Burger King crown, naturally). Well, I'm wearing it now. Though I will say that as the years have passed, I've gotten a little better at it. I'm a bit more open. Or just a bit wiser about how inevitable change is in life.
The day after my birthday this year, I had plans to go to the theatre with my boss, as per usual on any random weeknight. We had time to grab dinner beforehand, so we sat down, ordered, and then he looked at me and said, "Kate? What are you doing with your life?" I don't know when I have been more grateful that someone asked me a really hard question.
You see, I've been toying with leaving my job for about a year now. I've just been too scared to do it. As much as much as I love what I do, I've had to put other things that I want in life on hold to do it. And I know I can't put those things on hold forever. I don't want to. I'd dreamed of working on Broadway since I was a kid and that hasn't changed. But it's not all I've ever wanted. I want to be able to see my family more than twice a year. I'd like to see and spend time with my husband besides when we're falling asleep or shooting a wedding. I want to be available to be the kind of friend I'd like to be, instead of one who is never available to come to anything important in your life because she's always working. I want time to write, to take photographs, to take a vacation. And someday, I want time to be a mom. I know I couldn't keep this particular job and have a child. I don't make enough to cover the cost of childcare if I were to keep working and even if I did, I don't think I'd want to keep working these kind of hours anyway at that point.
So, change was imminent. But I was scared. Because it was looking like the way to get to all the other things I want in life (at least for the short term) was to switch to working for myself and working with Geoff. I've always been a fan of a steady paycheck, and in my head that has always meant a 9 to 5 job. I've pretty much colored inside the lines my whole life and the idea of this initially felt like someone was scribbling ALL OVER THE PAGE. What if I regret leaving? What if I am never as happy as I was when I worked on Broadway every day? What if we can't afford it? What if I can never get a job casting again? What if no one understands why I'd leave a "dream" job? Or what if everyone thinks I'm an idiot for leaving a job with health insurance (or any job for that matter) in a less than stable economy? What if, what if, what if??? There were about 1000 what-ifs. And then Geoff said to me one day, "You spend so much time thinking about what you will lose and absolutely no time thinking about what you will gain." That was a great perspective. And so stinkin' true. And something I still remind myself of on the days that I freak out about the future. Geoff was also smart enough to point out that all we are really changing is that we will be in control of our schedule and it is wide open to do with what we want.
So a month from today I will leave my full time job. Instead, I will work nearly full time with Geoff in his business and still work in casting on a freelance basis - as much or as little as I want and/or as we need. I know there are people who will still hire me to do that, even if I'm not doing it under the umbrella of a theatre company. We will shoot more weddings and now have the staff to shoot more corporate work too. I may start taking on more paid photography gigs, just to see if I like it. If nothing else, I'd be interested to see what it's like to edit photos in a more normal way, instead of between 11pm-1am on a weeknight after I get home from the theatre. So it's a huge change. And its risky. But we do hope to have a family in the not too distant future and if things are going to be tight financially, I'd rather struggle through that when there is still just the two of us to worry about. We may have to cut back on things, and I'm sure there will be ups and downs and adjustments to make, but ultimately...? I'm finding that I'm actually super excited about it. Even more than I thought I'd be. I'm ready for my new life. And I no longer feel like I'm leaving my old one behind. Things are just...shifting. They will be more on my terms. And I feel like a weight has been lifted. The people who've been told this news so far say that they can tell a noticeable difference in me already. Not that a lady should tell her age, but those of you that read this already know that I will be 35 in less than a year. And this month marks the 10 year anniversary of when I moved to NYC. It goes FAST, ya'll. It flies, in fact. And I don't want to feel like life is passing me by anymore. So even though it took me a year to work up the courage and an unexpected (but much needed) kick in the pants from my boss to get me there, I'm finally ready for this change. Now, as soon as I post this and it's out in the world for everyone to see, I'm sure I'll have a mild panic attack and spend a small(ish) amount of time curled up in the fetal position on my bed this evening. I've taken so long to write about this for that very reason. But for the most part, I'm surprised to find that all I can see these days is the "what I will gain" part. And I kind of feel like life is just beginning. *Deep Breath* Leap of faith, here we come.
